You've stopped whispering and are asleep. I go on listening
We lay on rumpled sheets chests heaving,I'm hungry, she's dreaming about work.I can't shut off my brain.I'm hungry.Everything I do makes me feel blue and dying.Dark thoughts crawl like ivy.LatelyI feel like whatever song I'm listening to is narrating my life.My head feels like an indissoluble channel of feed static and I'm afraid the buzzing will wake her up.I go to the other room.
Vast white walls
frame my life.I do this a lot.It's called consideration.She does it too though.I can see her while we drive somewhere… in a maze of her own random thoughts, lost on a mental summit and trying not to project any of this activity onto me.I have my own quiet spells,and she respects that now.She would talk.But I encourage silence.At least until we cannot maintain it.
I encourage communication also.Just not in the middle of the night.How about a snack?I'm hungry.Or, why worry about calorie intake when you can eat nothing and save yourself the trouble of adding it all up?I'm hungry.Not even thinking semi-clearly now. Thoughts just aren't coming to me right. Can't pick up the tempo. How about checking the internet?
Dood, everyone knos that Starbreath Foxsky journyed to teh astral plane in 1784 in an dirigible. Oh, and Emily and I hooked up today and it was superlative!
Dungeons, thieves, warriors, etcetera, etcetera
Haven't written in this journal since my mom died.Let me tell you about it…
I'm Narcissitic, I'm Pessimistic, Obsessive, Insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabatoge
SliceOGringo: seriously my new job is fantastic dude DMsqdMn17:great SliceOGringo: i get rewarded for being artistic!! oh and check this
SliceOGringo: Amanda got an agent! and a illustrating gig that pays like really well
SliceOGringo: we're thinking of moving into a bigger condo SliceOGringo: your up late… how are things in your neck of the woods
DmsqdMn17:Awesome! Just Awesome! DmsqdMn17:With Awesomecake and Extra Fucking Awesome Sauce!
Close the stupid computer.Close that stupid dark personal trainwreck I call my life for a while andtry to straighten things out.Laying up thinking is a virtue.Why worry about the big picture, I figure. There is loads of time for us to grow old and die, until then I'm choosing sadness.Because life is simple and unbearable.For a while.I'm hungry and I don't know what to eat.I choose to breathe.I'm choosing to move away part by part.An hour a part.Empty hours filledwith silent prayer to nothing.Artists as a whole are pretty unhappy people.Headed for ominousperceptual shutdown.Toss and turning, living in black and white and screaming yellow.
So angry at everything,and also feeling mild
like everything on my horizon is beingswallowed by a soot black hole and what's the point? There's an old book I don't want, I can't afford, and I buy it anyway. Just to remember what the light is like?Maybe the path to freedom is uncertainty.Patience. Stoicism.Morning is coming.Morning has come.All obstacles eventually yield.
Well all of that ramblingbrings me to this:Last night shemade a suggestion.
So sunrise shines out in a blaze of rhymes and I am blind
Walking to the maildropat dawn to slip in an empty envelope